On Friday this really strange feeling came over me. I was baking scones and as I worked the dough with my hands kneading it smooth and then cutting star shapes out of it, I thought about how much I’d like to build a life with Hennie. Maybe even get married.
I was thinking that maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as I think to get married. What would I have to look forward to? Seeing Hennie everyday. Some days it might be tiresome, I know this from the last time I lived with a man, but at least I am aware of this and I won’t be surprised by it if it happens this time. I would get the chance to make Hennie feel special every single day. Little notes in his lunch, or tucked up in his towel which he’ll find when he climbs out the shower. To be able to greet him with a huge smile and a giant hug when he gets home. To be greeted by the same thing when I get home. I don’t really need to be married to do this. Kids. I may not want to be a wife, but I do know that I want to be a mom. I know that I don’t really need to be married to have kids but in some ways it might be better if I am. I know that society tends to be super harsh to single moms and kids of single moms. Which is unfair. But I don’t want my kids to be judged for my decisions.
Then I got to thinking about how simple life was before the advent of technology and, dare I say it, awareness. Awareness that women can be and can have more than what society says we need and can do. The way I imagine life was back then before women wanted “it all” was a great happy woman, perhaps slightly unfulfilled, baking, humming, cleaning and looking after children. Her chief concerns were making sure that her family was happy by managing the household in a conscientious way. I mean wouldn’t it be great to run around in kitten heels and dresses everyday? I would love to only need to worry that my sewing was up to date and the supper would be waiting for him when Hennie gets home. Yes it does sound boring and I feel somewhat guilty for wondering what this might be like. The last time I wondered what things might be like, my parents started arguing and the epic 10 year divorce ensued. I certainly do not want that to happen again. Of course it doesn’t work that way anyone can tell you that!
Is being a wife really a full time job? Is being a husband a full time job? I know that if one tries to do “it all” by themselves when there is a perfectly able person there to help then it probably can take up a lot of time. I know that “my homemaking” responsibilities will have to be shared. There is just no way that I can be a good mom, wife, sister, friend, employee, aunty and daughter if I try to do everything by myself. There are a few practical considerations to be thought of before one starts planning the wedding that’s for sure!
I’ve always wanted to build a life with Hennie but to think about marriage in this way is strange for me. Who knows? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves!